My pants fit. MY PANTS FIT!!! I've never been so thrilled to put on a pair of pants in my life. And few items of clothing have ever made me feel so good as the tweedy wide-leg work trousers I wore tonight. Hurray!
Before I discovered that my pants fit (MY PANTS FIT!!!) I was trying to figure out what I could wear to the opera tonight (Madame Butterfly--pretty good although opera is not really my cup of tea) which led me to try to remember what I wore to work for the first month or so of pregnancy, which got me thinking about how I didn't actually realize I was pregnant for several weeks even though my pants were getting tight already--I just thought I was getting fat I guess--and that got me thinking about those stories you hear about women giving birth when they don't even know they're pregnant, and how unbelievable I find that, particularly after experiencing what it feels like to have a baby move around inside me, and that led me to this realization: I can't really remember anymore what it was like to feel my baby move inside me. That makes me sad. My memory sucks.
On another note, although I think it will dovetail nicely in a moment, when I was nursing Nugget just now I suddenly saw my face in his and it freaked me the hell out. I mean, I've looked for traces of my features in his and sort of thought I could see a resemblance before now, but this was different. It felt like I was looking at my own face. Only 3 months old, and a boy, and sucking on my boob. It was eerie. That's the best word for it. I haven't really been able to get my head around the fact that Nugget is half me, and suddenly I saw it, but having my head wrapped around it so suddenly kind of made my head explode.
The funny thing is, for quite a while after he was born I had a hard time getting used to the fact that he wasn't part of me anymore, at least not physically. And now I guess I'm over that and instead I'm having a hard time with the concept that he used to be part of me.
Parenthood is just WEIRD.